I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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