If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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