apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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