dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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