her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My first STD was from a foam party
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
