Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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