I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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