i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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