I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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