I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
