did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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