What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
