you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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