I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
