I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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