I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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