Can Purell be used as lube?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
