remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm really busy with my period
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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