Kiss
Puke
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
