3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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