I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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