I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
