I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
