Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
