I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
