life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
