No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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