I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
