matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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