No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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