Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
