Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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