I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The adults are the big ones right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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