we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
