I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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