Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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