someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
