i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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