dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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