If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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