The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
