my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
