Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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