Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
