dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
