The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
