i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
