i love accidental penises.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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