Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
