I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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