I should be sponsored by Trojan
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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